They Might Be Cannibals

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Here’s the thing, without beating a dead horse, I have a weight issue. My body has an overwhelming urge to be fat. It has been this way my whole life. The good news is when I am fit and exercising I lose weight easy and maintain a very healthy body image. The bad news is I have a terrible back problem that sometimes keeps me from exercising for long periods of time. Now I will say this. I want to be healthy and I want to look good. I have been in very good shape for most of my life. I have had some really bad times though where my weight ballooned up and out of control.

I think about my weight all the time. I want to live a long time. If I go, I want it to be because of old age (or a satellite fell on me). When I was heavy I had very high blood pressure and it was a little scary. My dad died of a stroke at a very young age. That is why I have grown very concerned over the last few weeks of the strange behavior of some people very close to me.

I think my students might be trying to plump me up. Suddenly, there is food everywhere. It started all nice and innocent. A granola bar here, an apple there. “Here Mr. Daley have a bite of this healthy snack”. Then suddenly the tide turned. Cookies, candy, treats of all kinds. Not a healthy thing amongst them. Today was the worse. Two students brought cookies, one brought a peanut butter bar, another brought a bag of peanuts and cheetos. All day long I was fighting off the temptations of the offered treats.

I have to be honest. I suspect something nefarious and diabolical. At first I thought my students might be a new strain of zombies. Ones that didn’t run around eating everything in sight but took their time savoring their ever enlarging future meals. I tested my theory by putting several pictures of brains up on my smart board. Only one student started drooling. I immediately sent the student to the nurse’s office. Let her deal with the zombie eating fiend.

My friend Jennifer thought perhaps it was a Hansel and Gretel situation. I immediately began to worry about witches baking me in the oven. I dismissed this after I took another look at the little munchkins. I knew all my early morning exercise and running would mean they would never be able to catch me.

I don’t know what they are up to. Report cards have already come out. Too early to be bribing me. No field trips coming up. I couldn’t take it anymore. I asked one of the lovelies why she brought me cookies. She smiled cooly and told me, “I was hoping if I gave you cookies you would stop singing in class.” I looked at her in stunned horror. She wasn’t fooling me I think they might be cannibals.

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About csdaley

C.S. Daley was born in California but has spent most of his life in his imagination. His first short story written in third grade, the now classic "Close Encounters of the Turd Kind," was sold to his next door neighbor for a quarter. The neighbor promptly demanded a refund. An unhealthy obsession with the writings of Neil Gaiman, Christopher Moore, and Terry Pratchett have left his mind warped and broken. He spends most of his evening swilling down coffee while tapping at a keyboard under the watchful eyes of his kittens. They are there to make sure he doesn't snap. He likes to write fantasy for adults and teens.

One Response to “They Might Be Cannibals”

  1. >aww thats so cute and nice of your students!! maybe u should start passing out what they bring you to share with the whole class? then everyone wins!

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