When Machines Attack!

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Alright this shit is getting serious. The machine apocalypse is going full gear now. I make one little mistake of warning the world of their imminent doom at the hands of the machines and now all the machines around me are going all Charlie Manson. They have stepped up their open warfare on me. Trying to drive me crazy or outright expire me.

I know who you are suppose to call if you have poltergeists, I mean the Ghostbusters have been a household name for years. I have no idea what to do about these infernal machines. Maybe if I call on C3P0 to intercede on my behalf they will leave me alone for awhile. Doubtful, I would probably end up with a Cylon at my front door.

This last week several more machines imploded in an attempt to frazzle me beyond belief. First my Xbox 360 and Roku Netflix player were taken out by some mysterious electronic failure (they went at the same exact time). I would suspect a power surge but there were several other pieces of equipment on the same surge protector and they still live. No, it was a conspiracy to take out our ability to enjoy Buffy marathons in the privacy of our own room. Luckily I believe in redundancy and have a blu-ray player which streams Netflix. Ha! Take that you fraking machines.

If that wasn’t bad enough I show up at the dentist office on Thursday to be greeted by the frantic look of the receptionist who had just had all of her computers go down. I should have known this was a sign and turned my ass right around but no, I don’t take hints very well. While sitting in the dentist chair, right in the middle of my cleaning, all of their equipment lost pressure and stopped working. I had to sit in the stupid dentist chair for a half an hour while what seemed like the entire office tried to coax the thing alive again. I apologized to them for bringing my war to their office.

The last straw may have been on Friday. Our first hot day of the year. The air conditioner kicks on and starts blowing out hot air. A clear attempt to expire all those in the house. We just replaced the stupid air conditioner. I gloated at the silly mistake the machines made this time. The air conditioner is under warranty and it is going to be cool this week. They should have waited until July when it gets to 3000 degrees in Red Bluff (a slight exaggeration but not much).

The repairman came out today and checked the unit. He quickly figured out we have a leak somewhere inside the house. INSIDE the house, this is not good. It means we will have to pay for the repair because it has nothing to do with the new unit. Plus, he isn’t sure where it is so he will be crawling around in our attic tomorrow.

Stupid damn machines. I am beginning to suspect my new iPad is leading this sudden insurrection of pain. I won’t let them beat me down. They want a war, they got it. I am going to have to call in the big guns now. I sent off an email to Lord Jobs today. If he can rid the world of porn, surely he can get these ridiculous machines to behave.

About csdaley

C.S. Daley was born in California but has spent most of his life in his imagination. His first short story written in third grade, the now classic "Close Encounters of the Turd Kind," was sold to his next door neighbor for a quarter. The neighbor promptly demanded a refund. An unhealthy obsession with the writings of Neil Gaiman, Christopher Moore, and Terry Pratchett have left his mind warped and broken. He spends most of his evening swilling down coffee while tapping at a keyboard under the watchful eyes of his kittens. They are there to make sure he doesn't snap. He likes to write fantasy for adults and teens.

4 Responses to “When Machines Attack!”

  1. >OMG, I am so sorry to hear all of your troubles. There is something wrong with your machines, or with you. Maybe they sense that you are secretly a bad person and they commit suicide. 😀 The worst thing is that you might have to pay for the repair of the air conditioner. I hate paying for stuff.

  2. >What is a roku netflix player? Cant you watch netflix on your computer or xbox? We used to watch it on the ps3 but now the new computer is HD so might as well watch it on there. I would be sad if I couldn’t watch my buffy marathons. What are you up to? I'm midway through the 2nd to last season. I am hoping to watch a lot more buffy this weekend. I love netflix right now. How funny that you are not that far from SF but it's already getting hot there and here it's definitely not. Well yesterday and today were not bad, 60, but its been rainy and bleh. The whole weekend was bleh and chilly.

  3. >Hey there – I think you are taking entirely the wrong approach. I say take the war to them. Find the machine that has the most egregious problems and make an example of it. The others will shape right up.AJK

  4. >I wonder if this is just a sign of my blog moving up on search engines but I am getting more and more ads. I don't mind if you leave a link on my blog but people need to understand I will delete them if they are just an ad.

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