Lord Jobs Is Cooler Than You

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About every six months Apple is required to let Lord Jobs prance about on the stage and tell us he is cooler than us (by required I mean if they don’t he begins smiting his board of trustees until they give in). They disguise this “I am cooler than you and I am going to rub your face in it” discussion under the guise of introducing new products. They are not fooling me I know what is really going on.

This week it was the next generation iPhone. It looked cool and was a definite upgrade over the previous incarnation but I just couldn’t get my geek on when seeing it. It probably didn’t help it wasn’t my first glance at it thanks to Gizmodo and the leak heard round the world (no one would have really cared but Lord Jobs yells really loud. He also sent his minions out to bust down doors which garnered a little attention). Plus, my iPad is in constant use and it has turned my iPhone into, well, just a phone.

I do like watching Lord Jobs strut his stuff though. I am telling you we need to put this guy in charge of reducing our National Debt. I bet you he could convince Canada to buy North Dakota for ten times the price it is worth. At the very least put him in charge of the damn BP oil spill. The gulf would be cleaned up in no time and BP would pay extra just for having the privilege of doing it.

It wasn’t all smiley faces and roses for Apple this week. They got some more negative attention for what is becoming a very alarming censorship program. This week they rejected a web comic application called Ulysses Seen. It is a comic book adaptation of James Joyce’s classic novel. By classic I mean totally unreadable book which is required torture in college. Come on Joyce use some damn punctuation, it’s free! As far as I am concerned anything which makes this book more understandable is a public service. Pictures should do the trick.

Why did they reject it? Apple strictly enforces it’s asinine no porn policy. The comic accurately portrayed the nudity from the book. When the company resubmitted with the nudity covered up by fig leaves, it was rejected again. They submitted the comic yet again with all nudity removed and it was accepted. When is Apple and Lord Jobs going to realize I don’t need a parent. I certainly don’t need someone telling me what I can buy and put onto MY iPad! It is really starting to piss me off. This is a policy which is going to have to change real quick or I am off the Apple train.

If that wasn’t bad enough, word has come blaring out today the iPad 3G was hacked due to a flaw on At&T’s website. Apparently, someone figured out if you typed in the ICC-ID you could obtain people’s email addresses. They were able to steal 114,000 addresses before AT&T closed the hack (including Diane Sawyer, Michael Bloomberg, and a few other famous folk). If you heard some loud shrieks earlier today it is because AT&T had to sacrifice a few executives to Lord Jobs. He quickly put them in a room and made them watch the Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld’s Microsoft commercials. You don’t want to fuck with Lord Jobs, that boy is cold.

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Art by Robert Berry

About csdaley

C.S. Daley was born in California but has spent most of his life in his imagination. His first short story written in third grade, the now classic "Close Encounters of the Turd Kind," was sold to his next door neighbor for a quarter. The neighbor promptly demanded a refund. An unhealthy obsession with the writings of Neil Gaiman, Christopher Moore, and Terry Pratchett have left his mind warped and broken. He spends most of his evening swilling down coffee while tapping at a keyboard under the watchful eyes of his kittens. They are there to make sure he doesn't snap. He likes to write fantasy for adults and teens.

5 Responses to “Lord Jobs Is Cooler Than You”

  1. >I was wondering how others thought of this subject. I decided against an iPad for this very reason. I can censor myself thankyouverymuch. 🙂

  2. >Because I own nothing Apple and have always refused to i wasn't aware of this censorship issue. Just add that to my list of reasons I guess.Is it an accident that he only wears black like Darth Vader?

  3. >If you're considering alternative to the iPhone, find someone with a Droid and check it out. Lots of good apps – including Huffington Post which brought me here. Unlimited data is 30 bucks a month on Verizon…

  4. >With the exception of kids, anyone who watches porn can make their own damn choices. It's not his business and wouldn't sell any more machines than if he'd made an app that prevents porn downloads, unless turned off by an adult who can read documents that come with the iPad that their kids would struggle with.That's the compromise, but Jobs just said, "No and you'll do it my way." Stupid, arrogant and poorly conceived. This may come as a shock to him, but some people like to watch porn, without his permission or consent. Really dumb, customer shunning, totally arbitrary decision without compromise. I like the gear but not his authoritarian ego.

  5. >That's why u jail break it and get cydia for custom apps that's what I did 😀

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