I Am A Man Damn It!


I really wish I could be in the research and development meetings for some companies. I imagine some are quite interesting. I mean who wouldn’t want to be in the meeting when Lord Jobs invents iBrain. I am sure they are working on it. There are quite a few people out there who need a new one. I am not mentioning any names. I would say you know who you are but you probably don’t.

Of course, not all the meetings can be as brilliant as Apple’s. How else can you explain Dr. Pepper 10? Seriously, were a bunch of dudes just sitting around a table trying to come up with a new dude soft drink (I will stand by my assertions that this is a dude idea because no woman could possibly give a shit). I mean what could they have been debating. “I don’t think enough dudes drink diet drinks.” Did the idiot dude who was the head of marketing jump out of his seat screaming, “Dudes won’t drink 0 calorie beverages. For the love of god it has been tried!”

Did they mull this over for ten thousand hours until finally the lead dude had the light bulb fall and break on his head. “Ooh, Ooh, I’ve got it. We add 10 calories. They will totally fucking dig that.” At this point did the marketing guy have an accident in his pants do to his overwhelming orgasmic commercial idea, “We can do a Rambo-like commercial. Say no women allowed and imply all men who drink normal diet drinks are total pussies!”

If Dr. Pepper 10 is the stupidest product of the year, it has got to be in the running. You’re marketing slogan is “no women allowed.” Which as far as I know is exactly the opposite of what a good size of our population wants (I can’t speak for gay men but I would have to assume if they don’t need the iBrain they can see the ridiculousness of this concept). I chuckled all the way through their stupid commercial. I had visions of Rambo like security forces patrolling the aisles of the local grocery stores forcibly fending off all the women who needed to be part of the Dr. Pepper 10 movement.

Apparently, someone thinks there is a market yet to be tapped here. Several different soft drink companies over the years have rolled out “for men only” diet drinks. They were all wildly successful, I can’t remember the name of one of them. I like Diet Dr. Pepper and have even been known to drink it occasionally. I didn’t realize I wasn’t being manly all these years. I may have to cry.

About csdaley

C.S. Daley was born in California but has spent most of his life in his imagination. His first short story written in third grade, the now classic "Close Encounters of the Turd Kind," was sold to his next door neighbor for a quarter. The neighbor promptly demanded a refund. An unhealthy obsession with the writings of Neil Gaiman, Christopher Moore, and Terry Pratchett have left his mind warped and broken. He spends most of his evening swilling down coffee while tapping at a keyboard under the watchful eyes of his kittens. They are there to make sure he doesn't snap. He likes to write fantasy for adults and teens.

5 Responses to “I Am A Man Damn It!”

  1. >you are invited to follow my blog

  2. >Gosh Steve thanks for inviting me to follow your blog. I mean who could resist such a random offer of nonsense. Great comment about the greatness of my blog. I can tell you spent a lot of time absorbing my message.By the way, welcome to the Church of the No Fucking Way because that is about the odds of me following your blog.

  3. >oh Chris how I admire you, let me count the ways. now if you can tell me how to rid myself of a follower I would be most appreciative! same type but also spews republican rhetoric and meanness

  4. >Have you heard the radio ads yet? They start off saying "have you ever blogged about bacon? have oyu ever fantastized about being a viking? do you want your meat cooked over an open flame" ec and then they say "if you haven't , sorry suzy, Dr. Pepper 10 is not for you" I was honestly just confused and offended at their implications of what was supposed to be men's stuff. prior to the suzy they'd said nothing about it being a man thing… My final conclusion on this was that the fact of the matter is the people who are stupid enough to fall for this ad campaign are the kinda of people who "won't drink diet soda cause, dude that's gay" (understand that i only use that phrase because i'm speaking about a group of people who would use it in a negative or unmanly sense). So the marketing probably will hit that group…

  5. >Ooh I am admired. You might want to seek help for that.I can't imagine how much worse the radio ad is. They put no thought into radio ads at all.

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