Square Peg – Round Hole

I am constantly amazed at the utter predictability of my inner psyche. Wandering around the San Diego Comic-Con with 130,000 other geeky souls should be the last place I would feel out of place. Yet, I sometimes do. Which I could have told you would happen before I ever got on the plane.

It took maybe half a day before the stupid evil inner voices began screaming, “you are a fraud! They are going to find out.” It’s ridiculous. I am not a fraud. I am a geek through and through. I mean seriously Dark Horse Comics announced they had put Star Wars up in the digital comic shop and I had bought all of them within minutes on my iPad.

I have never felt like I belonged to any group though. It started early in life. My sense of isolation and lonelyness grew every year. I was constantly battling with myself. One moment I was sure I was the nastiest person ever to walk the face of the earth. The next moment I was sure I was the nicest. I have always considered myself a geek. I bought my first comic when I was in third grade. Star Wars was my childhood religion (and sometimes my adult).

If there was ever a group I belonged to it is geekdom. Plus, I have lots of friends down here at the Comic-Con. I have enjoyed meeting so many new people but the voices persist. Sometimes they drive me to distraction. I hope there is some really cool name for this feeling of disconnect I suffer through. If not I am going to call it “ridiculous brain lock up” disease.

I have developed an ability to work past the fear of meeting new people. I am so good at it now that I am sure most people in the room don’t even know my brain is going wrong when I meet them. The part I hate the most is when I am actually standing with a group of people I know like me and my brain is sending out emergency flee signals. Usually at those times I try to pull out a funny story to calm my nerves. I am always best when I feel funny.

Don’t get me wrong. I am having a great time. I am not writing this as some woe is me tale. Mostly, I just wanted to put the thoughts down. To acknowledge that despite all my work and actually growing up into a decent person I still have issues to grapple with. It is one of the reasons I have been making sure to get out to conventions. It’s like geek medicine. It fills my heart with awesomeness.

Now I am going to stop banging at the keys and go hang out with friends. I will successfully ignore the voices in my head (at least until I get back to the hotel room). I know I am a square peg trying to get into a round hole but I am trying to be okay with it. Life is too short to not do what you love.

About csdaley

C.S. Daley was born in California but has spent most of his life in his imagination. His first short story written in third grade, the now classic "Close Encounters of the Turd Kind," was sold to his next door neighbor for a quarter. The neighbor promptly demanded a refund. An unhealthy obsession with the writings of Neil Gaiman, Christopher Moore, and Terry Pratchett have left his mind warped and broken. He spends most of his evening swilling down coffee while tapping at a keyboard under the watchful eyes of his kittens. They are there to make sure he doesn't snap. He likes to write fantasy for adults and teens.

5 Responses to “Square Peg – Round Hole”

  1. Dude, I totally understand.

  2. I get you there, Chris. But hey, here’s something to make the “voices” shut up -> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eA8XiC3m7vw

  3. With Amy on the totally understand thing. I was VENDING at a dork con the other day and I still felt strange and out of place.

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